it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
