Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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