The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
