i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
