i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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