I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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