I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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