I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
