so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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