I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
FUCK WHALES
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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