I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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