i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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