Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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