I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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