sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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