She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
