One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
