I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
