My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
