Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
