weddingsv make me drug and hornr
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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