I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Randomize
