girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
