naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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