so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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