Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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