I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
