He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
