Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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