Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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