When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
