When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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