remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.