So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
