i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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