whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
