I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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