when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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