In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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