sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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