I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
