matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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