That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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