im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think people are normalizing furries
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
