His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just gift wrapped bread.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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