My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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