Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
