my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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