I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
