9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
