When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
