Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the condom got lost in my hair
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
