so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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