I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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