hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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