my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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