hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I came so hard my ears popped.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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