so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
